I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
