haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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