I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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