I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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