On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
