why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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