last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
