Ambien. No doubt about it.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Can I color on your dick again?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
