Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize