I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
