You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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