We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
