your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
