Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
