so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
