i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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