i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
