So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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