Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize