I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
