I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
