I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
