i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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