I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
