i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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