my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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