We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
My pussy is not your playground.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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