Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
