My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
