I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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