Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
