it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
