Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
