i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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