fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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