you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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