oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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