I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
