Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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