I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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