I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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