I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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