new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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