A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
