We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
