i just had sex bonerless
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
