someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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