2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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