In the future we'll all be gay
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
