my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
