Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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