Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize