His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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