I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
