It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
